


Bananas.

by jhsdhalr



Category: Torchwood
Genre: M/M, Multi
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2012-09-19
Updated: 2012-09-19
Packaged: 2017-11-14 14:31:42
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,146
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/516214
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/jhsdhalr/pseuds/jhsdhalr
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It's another of my crack stories. It's about Bananas. Here is a quote to get you in the mood:<br/>''I want your banana'' Jack cried----<br/>''You can't have it'' said Ianto.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Bananas.

''I HATE BANANAS!'' Owen complained when Ianto brought him his morning coffee.

''So?'' Ianto muttered ''you don't have to eat them, do you?''

''People are ALWAYS sending Jack crates of stuff'' moaned Owen ''but its never anything useful. I mean, even if you LOVE bananas you don't really need a whole CRATE of the things.''

''Jack seemed very pleased with them'' Ianto commented.

''He's been pleased with everything since he got back from wherever he went'' Owen grumbled ''it's getting on my nerves.''

''I'm going to give the others their coffee before it gets cold'' said Ianto, ignoring Owen's last remark.

''AND WHEN YOU SEE JACK TRY TO GET HIM IN A BAD MOOD!'' yelled Owen as Ianto went toward the stairs ''REFUSE TO LET HIM FUCK YOU OR SOMETHING!''

Ianto continued to ignore Owen as best as he could and went upstairs. He gave Gwen and Tosh their coffee and was amused to see that they were both eating bananas. Then he went to Jack's office. He'd given Jack his coffee first of course, but he was curious to see if Jack was still eating bananas. Ever since the crate had been delivered earlier that morning Jack had been eating bananas. Ianto reckoned he must be on at least his tenth banana by now.

Somewhat predictably, Jack was eating a banana. His coffee lay untouched. His desk was covered in banana skins. Ianto started to feel rather irritated. ''What's wrong with the coffee?'' he asked, trying not to sound too mad and not really succeeding.

Jack looked up. "Mrm ee baa'' he mumbled through a mouthful of banana.

''Try speaking with your mouth empty'' Ianto sighed ''I don't speak banana.''

Jack swallowed hard. ''I said I'm eating a banana'' he said.

''Oh of course'' said Ianto crossly ''when I saw you holding a banana in your hand and noticed your mouth was full of banana it never occurred to me for a moment you might be eating a banana.''

''Sarcasm doesn't become you, Ianto'' said Jack, calmly taking another huge bite of banana.

''You'll be sick'' Ianto replied.

''Umm doh caaa'' mumbled Jack, chewing banana.

Ianto left Jack with his bananas and went back to see if Gwen and Tosh had finished, or at least were drinking their coffees. They weren't. They were eating bananas. Ianto liked bananas but he was starting to feel a definite loathing for them. For once in his life he felt an affinity with Owen so he went down to the medical lab to see if Owen, at least, had drunk his coffee. He hadn't. He was sitting with his feet up on a table eating a banana.

''I THOUGHT YOU SAID YOU HATED BANANAS!" Ianto shouted, going red with rage.

''I do'' said Owen. He then took another bite of his banana.

''YOU'RE EATING ONE NOW!'' yelled Ianto angrily.

Owen swallowed the remains of his banana and looked calmly at Ianto. ''No I'm not'' he said.

''YOU WERE!'' Ianto cried, going nearly purple with rage.

''No" said Owen ''I was eating an apple.''

Ianto stamped back upstairs. The next person I find eating a banana is a dead person, he thought illogically. There was no one in sight so he went to Jack's office and discovered Gwen, Tosh and Jack in there together, all eating bananas. The crate that had been full of bananas only a couple of hours before lay on the floor next to Jack's desk. It was almost empty. Ianto reached inside it and pulled out the remaining four bananas. That got him some attention at last.

''Give me those bananas right now'' Jack demanded, rising to his feet, his attempt to look menacing thwarted by the fact that his mouth had banana all around it.

''NO!'' Ianto shouted, and he ran out of the office, still holding the bananas tightly in his hand. They all pursued him and Jack caught him just as he was about to go to the bathroom, where he intended to flush the bananas down the toilet. It occurred to him much later that he could have simply thrown them down the waste chute.

''Give me those bananas, Ianto, please'' said Jack in what he obviously hoped was a persuasive voice.

''Come and get them'' said Ianto, holding them high in the air above his head.

Jack rushed at Ianto and tackled him as if they were in a rugby scrum. Ianto fell down, clutching the bananas to his chest, which was a big mistake. Jack fell on top of Ianto and the bananas were squashed to a pulp between them. Jack lifted himself up a little and gazed with a sorrowful expression at the remains of the bananas.

''Now look what you've done'' he said.

''Sorry'' said Ianto ''but everyone's been behaving really oddly since those bananas arrived.''

Jack gave a huge sigh. ''I love bananas'' he said ''but I think you might be right. As soon as I ate one of those I wanted to eat more and more. I still want to eat them even though they're all ruined.''

''Well'' Ianto muttered ''if you want to eat them they're here. Squashed.''

Jack looked at the remains of the bananas and groaned, then he visibly brightened. ''Ianto'' he said, smiling cheerfully ''have you ever put a condom on a banana?''

''Not lately'' Ianto replied, extricating himself from under Jack with difficulty ''why? Have you?''

''Hmm. Ages ago.'' Jack sat up and then stood up and began to pick banana off himself and eat it.

Ianto tried not to be surprised. ''Why ever did you do such a thing?'' he asked.

''It's not very easy'' said Jack, ignoring Ianto's question completely ''bananas have a curve and most cocks don't---although some do----I once knew a trapeze artist----his had quite a bend in it---.''

''Jack'' Ianto interrupted ''I don't want to hear about your love life, thank you very much, and you can stop spitting bits of banana over me too.''

"Let me have the bits on your jacket'' said Jack, and he stood very close to Ianto, bent over, and began to suck banana, peel and all, off Ianto's jacket.

''This is ridiculous'' Ianto shouted, moving away from Jack and brushing the banana off himself quickly before Jack could start to eat it again ''leave the banana alone, Jack.''

''I want your banana'' Jack cried, following Ianto as he went into the nearest bathroom to clean himself.

''You can't have it'' said Ianto, disposing of the remnants before Jack could get hold of them again.

''You're being very uncooperative here'' Jack suggested ''I just want your banana.''

Ianto flushed the remaining pieces of banana down the toilet. ''There'' he said, with satisfaction ''all gone.''

Jack stood glaring at him for a moment and then he flung himself bodily at Ianto. It was unexpected and Ianto fell against the shower door which opened immediately, causing both him and Jack to literally fall inside the shower cubicle. There wasn't room for them to fall right over so they ended up leaning against the back wall of the cubicle.

''I've never come across anyone before who wouldn't give me their banana'' said Jack, leaning against Ianto and making no effort at all to move.

''You've had enough banana for one day'' said Ianto ''I'd have thought you'd be sick of it yourself by now.''

''A man can never have too much banana'' said Jack seriously. Then he leaned forward and kissed Ianto as if that had been his intention all along.

Ianto pulled away as best he could without actually leaving the cubicle. ''What ARE you doing?'' he asked.

''I would have thought that was obvious'' said Jack, doing it again right away. Ianto sighed and kissed him back. It was unfortunate that all he could taste on Jack's lips was banana, but, he thought, he did like banana anyhow so what the fuck. He opened his mouth and explored Jack's teeth and tongue. They tasted of banana as well. In fact, he smelled of banana too. Ianto pulled away from Jack and managed to squeeze past him and leave the cubicle. He went back into Jack's office to make certain there was no more banana anywhere around. Gwen and Tosh were nowhere in sight. He started to look around for bananas. The next moment Jack arrived. He didn't look happy.

''What are you doing now?'' he asked, scowling.

''Looking for bananas'' said Ianto.

Jack gave a huge sigh. "I'm going to go and lie down'' he said ''and don't untidy anything while I'm gone.''

Ianto was not pleased about being accused of untidying things when he spent most of his time actually TIDYING up after everyone and he was still mad about the bananas, so he followed Jack to his quarters. He didn't really know what he was going to do when he got there. He thought vaguely that he would have it out with Jack, whatever that meant. Anyhow, he followed Jack down the stairs, grabbed the older man by his collar and literally shook him.

''I'VE JUST ABOUT HAD ENOUGH OF THIS IDIOCY!" he shouted, enraged ''OWEN'S EATING A BANANA AND HE SAYS HE'S EATING AN APPLE AND THE REST OF YOU ARE STUFFING BANANAS DOWN AS IF YOU'D NEVER SEEN ONE BEFORE AND I NEVER UNTIDY ANYTHING---EVER!''

''O.K.'' said Jack cheerfully ''I'm sorry---happy now?'' He paused and opened a cabinet. He lifted a bag out of it and opened the bag. Ianto had a horrible feeling for a moment that it would contain bananas but inside were several large carrots. ''Would you like a carrot?'' Jack asked politely.

Ianto groaned loudly and sat down on Jack's bed. Jack immediately sat down beside him and started to eat a carrot. Ianto looked at him with horror. Jack beamed a wide smile at him and crunched carrot noisily.

''Have you ever put a condom on a carrot?'' Jack asked, smiling happily at Ianto as if this was a perfectly normal conversation.

''What is it with you and condoms?'' asked Ianto.

''Have you?'' Jack persisted.

''No'' said Ianto ''why would anyone bother to put a condom on a carrot?''

''Practice'' said Jack.

''I can't see how learning to put a condom on a carrot would help you to put one on a cock'' Ianto moaned ''there's no similarity between the two things at all really.''

Jack delved into the bag and pulled out a large thick carrot which was about 9 inches long. ''Mine's about this size'' he said waving it at Ianto before taking a huge bite out of the end.

''I don't believe your cock is that big'' said Ianto ''you're just boasting.''

''How big is yours then?'' asked Jack.

''I've never measured it'' Ianto sighed ''and I don't believe you have either.''

Jack finished off the second carrot and stood up. ''Like to see?'' he asked, rubbing his hand rather suggestively over the front of his pants.

''I'm not in the mood'' Ianto moaned. He didn't get up though or leave the room. He just sat there on the bed and watched as Jack stood rubbing himself.

''I'd like to fuck you'' Jack said ''I've thought about it for ages--- and ages---ever since I first saw you in fact---you can do me if you'd like that better--I'm not fussy. In fact, I've fucked myself with a carrot before now.''

Ianto tried not to look surprised. ''You put a CARROT up your--up your---?'' he muttered, slowly.

''With a condom on it and lots of lube'' said Jack moving closer to Ianto so Ianto could see he was hard ''it felt O.K. but a cock would have been nicer. Carrots don't get hot.''

Ianto was getting a bit hot himself. He remained seated on the bed hoping Jack wouldn't notice. Jack started to remove his clothing. He took off his boots and socks first and then quickly stripped naked. Ianto watched and kept thinking --I'll go away in moment, but he didn't actually move at all. Finally Jack stood naked in front of Ianto and grabbed his cock and waved it about. Ianto thought that looked painful.

''See'' said Jack ''I told you it was big.''

''Alright'' Ianto replied, thinking still--I'll go away in a moment- and still not moving ''I take it back, it is big. It could be 9 inches, or even more'' he added.

''Now fuck me'' said Jack ''I can tell you want to. You've got that look.''

Ianto stood up slowly, intending to walk away. Instead his hands, seemingly with a will of their own, began to remove his suit, and then his shirt and then his shoes and socks and finally his underwear, while Jack sat on the bed and watched in total silence.

''What position do you want me in?'' Jack asked, when Ianto was finally naked.

''You make it sound so clinical'' Ianto complained.

''I'm trying to be logical'' Jack replied, calmly ''most people have a favorite position.''

''I don't do this often enough to have a favorite position'' said Ianto ''what's yours?''

''I like to see the person whose fucking me'' said Jack.

''O.K.'' Ianto wasn't certain that they could manage that but Jack seemed sure so he though it would probably be alright. Jack lay down on the bed on his back and, wondering what the hell he was doing, Ianto slowly lowered himself on top of him and kissed him hard. Their mouths clashed together as if they were in a battle. Ianto felt Jack's teeth with his tongue and then sucked Jack's lower lip and then moved down his neck, kissing and nipping skin with his teeth. Jack groaned and gasped and wrapped his arms around Ianto, digging his nails in the younger man's back. Ianto put his tongue in Jack's navel and hoped there wasn't any fluff in there.Then he licked down the line of dark hair that led to Jack's cock, which was actually already leaking. Jack started to make very loud moaning noises.

''Sssh---'' Ianto murmured, leaning up and reaching for the lube, which was conveniently lying at the foot of the bed. He looked around for the condoms and couldn't see any. ''Condoms?'' he asked Jack.

''I haven't got any'' said Jack, immediately.

''Fuck!" shouted Ianto. He kneeled up between Jack's splayed thighs and groaned.

''Fuck me anyhow'' said Jack, calmly ''I like bareback.''

Ianto sighed and thought --oh well--- and got on with the matter in hand, which was preparing Jack. He was quite surprised when Jack managed to lift himself up somehow and put his legs around Ianto's neck. He was also surprised that Jack didn't seem to need much preparation. He was already open and almost ready. Ianto wondered what item of foodstuff he'd been fucking himself with recently. Having rubbed lube all over his cock, which didn't seem too worried that it might be going to a place last occupied by a carrot, he guided himself inside Jack and started to move. Jack responded right away and they set up reciprocal in and out back and forward movements which were very exciting but also VERY noisy. Jack especially was very loud indeed. He had, Ianto thought, never heard the word restraint. He shouted rubbish, groaned, moaned, gasped and panted constantly. Ianto thought that he was so noisy everyone in Cardiff could probably hear him.

Finally , just when Ianto was on the point of coming, he could feel the familiar sensation growing and spreading throughout his groin, Jack shouted VERY loudly ''OH FUCK FUCK I'M COMING NOW----NOW'' and his muscles squeezed Ianto hard. This made Ianto loose control completely and he came so hard his eyes watered and his cock felt on fire. He slid out of Jack right away and Jack lowered his legs with a sigh and they wrapped their arms around each other.

''Can you always do that?'' Ianto asked after a moment, as his breathing started to return to normal.

''What?'' asked Jack, he was totally relaxed now and he had his eyes shut. He looked, in fact, as if he were about to go to sleep.

''Come like that'' asked Ianto ''without touching yourself?"

''Mnnnnn'' Jack replied. He was going to sleep, Ianto realized with surprise.

''Don't sleep yet'' Ianto commanded, giving Jack a pat on the shoulder ''you've got come all over your chest and there's some in your hair too."

Jack's response to this was to roll away from Ianto and start to snore. Loudly. Ianto groaned and left Jack sleeping soundly. He had a shower and a pee. Then he went to see what Owen, Gwen and Tosh were doing. He was also eager to discover if they had heard Jack shouting and yelling. He really couldn't see how they could have avoided it but he was ever hopeful.

Upstairs he found all three of his coworkers sitting at the table up there eating bananas. He couldn't believe his eyes. ""Where did those come from?'' he asked, trying not to sound as if he'd like to shoot them all and not really succeeding.

''I went shopping'' said Gwen, smiling at him ''have one, they're delicious.''

''Are you sure they didn't arrive from God knows where in a crate?'' Ianto asked, sitting down at the table beside Tosh.

''These are shop bananas'' said Owen ''although----those others must have had something special in them---the noises Jack was making as he fucked you were absolutely out of this world.''

Ianto turned to Owen angrily. ''If its any of your business---which it definitely isn't---Jack DID NOT fuck me!'' he shouted, picking up a banana and peeling back the skin quickly. Not because he actually wanted one but for something to do with his hands other than throttle Owen.

Owen grinned and then laughed. ''Don't give me that rubbish" he said ''everyone in the country must have heard him!''

''IF YOU REALLY WANT TO KNOW WHAT ALL THE NOISE WAS FOR'' Ianto shouted at Owen, putting his face right up against Owen's and breathing banana all over him ''I FUCKED JACK AND IT WAS SO GOOD HE'S ASLEEP NOW!''

Owen looked surprised. "I don't believe you'' he said, after a moment.

Ianto stood up and started to remove his clothing again. He was suddenly so mad he felt he could do anything. As he removed his pants he noticed that Owen, Gwen and Tosh were all staring at him with their mouths hanging open. "I'm sick to death of you constantly going on and on about me and Jack'' he said as he removed his underpants and stood before them completely nude ''since you're so interested in our activities I'll tell you something---just now was the first time we've ever had sex--I've thought about it a lot though--and judging by the way you're always going on and on about it--so have you---but I'm sure Jack's not interested in you at all--and I don't blame him.'' He leaned over Owen and kissed him hard. He expected Owen to push him away but instead he started to respond immediately. Ianto stood up straight again. The excitement of the moment and the whole situation had given him another hard on. He let Owen get a good look at it. Then he started to put all his clothes back on again, noting with satisfaction how Owen watched his every move.

Owen started to stand up and then, just as Ianto noticed a suspicious bulge in his pants, he sat back down again. He picked up a banana and peeled it slowly, keeping his eyes firmly on the banana and away from Ianto. Ianto was about to say something about the bulge when Jack came along, whistling cheerfully and carrying several large cucumbers. He put the cucumbers on the table and sat down in his customary seat at the head.

"Have you ever put a condom on a cucumber?'' he asked his assembled team, smiling happily at them.

Ianto put his head down on the table with a loud thump just as he heard Tosh saying "actually, I have."

''When?'' said Owen, in a tone of total disbelief.

''Someone bet me I couldn't do it'' said Tosh, seriously ''but I could---and I did too.''

Gwen grabbed a very large cucumber and held it upright. ''Give me a condom someone'' she ordered.

Owen obligingly produced a packet of five from one of his pockets. There was a label on the packet saying the condoms were of strawberry flavor. Ianto sighed. For one wild moment he pictured himself and Jack eating condoms. It wasn't a pleasant image. They all sat and watched as Gwen slowly and carefully rolled the condom onto the cucumber. Ianto had a sudden image of himself trying to tell someone what he had done at work that day. Finally, he thought, we all sat and watched Gwen putting a condom on a cucumber.

"There" said Gwen, ''easy.'' She held the cucumber up and they all looked at it. The next moment, Tosh and Owen and Jack had grabbed condoms and were all putting them on cucumbers. Ianto felt suddenly depressed. What a waste of condoms, he thought dismally. Especially special strawberry flavored ones. Jack finished dressing his cucumber and took a bite out of it, condom and all. Then he spat the whole mess out on the table. At that point Ianto decided he'd had enough. He got to his feet and glared at them all.

''I'm going home'' he snapped ''and I hope when I come back tomorrow you're all normal again, because you certainly aren't normal now.'' He was aware as he left them that they were all looking at him as if he'd grown an extra head or something equally amazing. He left anyhow.

When he returned the following morning the Hub was very quiet. At first he thought that no one was there, not even Jack. He found them all however when he went to Jack's quarters to see if Jack was O.K. They were together on Jack's bed. They were all naked too. Owen was lying sideways at the foot of the bed and most of him wasn't on the bed at all but was on the floor. He also had a red woolly hat on his head. Gwen and Tosh were wrapped in each others arms and when Ianto looked closely at them to make sure they were breathing [at least, that was what he told himself he was doing], he saw that they had large red hearts drawn on various parts of their anatomy in what appeared to be lipstick. Jack was crushed against the wall. As Ianto peered at him in the gloom of the dimly lit room Jack gave a sigh and sat up, yawning. Then he climbed over Tosh and Gwen and got off the bed.

''Hi" he said to Ianto, smiling sweetly at him ''what a night that was---what a night!''

''I don't want to know what sort of night you had, Jack'' said Ianto, trying to ignore the fact that Jack was naked without much success.

''You're jealous'' said Jack.

''I'm not jealous'' Ianto sighed ''I'm just mad. We're SUPPOSED to be reliable professionals, saving the world and all that.''

''We didn't fuck'' said Jack ''we just---messed about a bit----it was the bananas--Owen analyzed the skins--they had some alien stuff in them---it affected various different parts of the brain--made us go a bit----loopy, I guess.''

''I don't know why you ate them if you knew they were alien'' said Ianto, feeling his body getting all hot and sweaty at the sight of Jack naked YET AGAIN.

''We shouldn't have'' agreed Jack ''but evidently they gave off something that made us need to eat them.''

''You certainly ate enough of them'' said Ianto.

Jack grabbed a pile of clothing off the floor where he had thrown it the previous day. He sighed and went off to take a shower. Ianto followed him. ''I couldn't help myself'' Jack said as he stepped into a shower cubicle ''I've always LOVED bananas.''

''Me too'' agreed Ianto, and he stripped off his clothes speedily and joined Jack in the shower.

''What on earth are you doing?'' Jack gasped, as Ianto started to rub shower gel over his body.

Ianto worked his way down to Jack's cock which was very interested in Ianto, despite its owners words. ''I thought I'd reacquaint myself with your banana'' he said ''while the others are asleep.''

''Oh'' said Jack, smiling, ''that's O.K. then. I'm very fond of your banana too.''

''Great'' said Ianto ''and I also like cucumbers and carrots, especially big, long, thick ones.''

''Mnnnn" Jack murmured ''me too, Ianto, me too.''

 

THE END


End file.
